Notes on Being Direct April 25th

The daily approach is changing my attitude to women and dating. It might have a lot to do with everything that happened last year, but still, I see things differently.

I went dancing tonight. Last time I went I felt pretty awful. I left with nothing but negativity. Tonight I focused heavily on staying present and connecting. Like yesterday, that seemed to do far more for real connection than anything else. I allowed myself to feel, and that made all the difference.

I did get a number from the whole thing. And the connection was more positive than most.

I used some visualization to hang on to the feeling. I think I can use this more broadly as well. Maybe I can soften some of those abrasive edges I have, and strengthen some of my weaknesses.


I want to take what I'm learning about that internal presence and apply it to work. I want to see how people respond when I'm consciously projecting presence and awareness into the room.

Notes on Being Direct April 24th

I talked to one of the girls working at Deseret book today. The conversation flowed like none of my other approaches ever have. She had work to do and didn't seem to care. Sometimes I've wondered what "connection" is supposed to feel like. Talking to her was definitely a new benchmark for the experience.

I think it was because she was LDS. My identity for most of my life was Mormon. Fundamentalist Mormon, but still Mormon.

I have never found an alternative. 

I have a tribe. It informs the way I act. I am at my most authentic when I am talking to LDS girls. I don't have to pretend. I can be myself.

I had another conversation today with a guy at a bar. 

The contrast was huge. I was using every canned story and detail I could muster to keep it going. I've learned that it isn't always my fault that a conversation sucks, but I couldn't help but compare the two.

One was completely natural and comfortable. The other was forced and frustrating.

One other thing: I had my regular workout right before I went out. I definitely improved my presence when talking to the girl. I doubt it would have gone that well otherwise.

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I think I've mentioned that I'm working through some plans right now. I'm systematically going through my life and organizing it. Health is the first thing on the list. But I am going to add money to that very soon.

Your comment about the middle-class mindset has had me thinking for a while now. 

One of the things I loved about working in TX was the physical part. Not the exertion, exactly; it's not like it was great exercise or anything. But that tasks were clear: Unload a truck, hook up a trailer, fill up a bucket. 

It was always clear what needed to be done, and I loved that.

I need that.

As I'm cleaning up my life, I notice that I have one means of cash flow that has to be divided among expenses. 

I can do things to reduce some expenses. I can increase others for things that I care about. What I can't do is add to the list of things that bring money in. 

I spent some time last year learning about copywriting. I think what defeated me was the lack of clarity. It all felt like guesswork. I know that copywriting has the potential to make a decent amount of money, but I'd rather run a fork-lift.

So, I'm giving it some thought. As I'm organizing my life, I know I want to control where my money goes. But I also want to control where it comes from (and how much it is). And I'm not sure yet what that looks like.

Notes on Being Direct April 23rd

I think I'm coming to the end of this attempt to improve my approaches. I'm aware of my negativity. I'm aware of how little presence I have. Its time to take a step back and look at specific strategies to center my self.

I can't go boxing this week since my car is out of commission. Once I get it back I'll be right back in.

I'm much more comfortable talking to strangers than I thought. I'm missing the presence component. I don't have a purpose. I used to joke that I'm like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one. I think this has mostly to do with a lack of frame.

In the last few weeks, it's like a switch has been flipped. I'm systematically going through my life and cleaning house. I'm usually haphazard: I throw things at the wall to see what sticks. I'm not sure where this came from, but I don't want to be random anymore. I'm being very slow and methodical about things like nutrition and diet. I want the changes to stick, this time.

I know I can apply the same purposeful approach to relationships, dating, working out etc. Its just going to take time.

It's doesn't bother me though. I feel very very patient.

Notes On Being Direct April 22nd

I needed an instead of worrying about it I found one I liked and pulled the trigger. It took less than a week. I skipped any anxiety about the decision.

While I really don't enjoy approaching, I'm still learning. I know my attitude towards women is bad, and the constant approaching forces me to face it. I want to know why, and I want to change it. If the last decade has taught me anything its that I have to lean into the discomfort before it will start making any sense.

The constant approaching is changing my self-image. I used to see myself as someone no one wanted around. Now, it's more ambiguous. I almost never feel bad about the conversation. Things go smoothly, even if the girl is going to say no, she never seems creeped out.

As I try to develop awareness, and internal presence I'm starting to wonder what the "work" is for other situations. Approaching women helps with presence, in the context of the first conversation. But what about an interview? What about hanging out with friends? What is the practice for everything else?

Notes on Being Direct, April 9th

I went out around noon to talk to a few girls at the mall.

The first one was beautiful. I opened by asking about what there is to do in Salt Lake City on a weekend. She didn't have much information. Turns out she's a dancer for the Jazz. She was friendly but broke it off pretty fast.

The good:
1. I opened strong.
2. I wasn't intimidated by her looks.

To work on:
1. The energy during the day is very quiet. It doesn't have the intensity that night does. I need to be aware of that.
2. I didn't fully engage. I held back, and what I did invest didn't have enough energy to hold her long. My internal presence wasn't calm and solid. I need to practice staying grounded at all times.
3. I broke the ice with a practical question that is based on a lie: I know what there is to do around here, so why would I ask about it? My (weak) intent didn't match my words, so there wasn't anything clear she could be attracted to.

I approached another girl using the same line, but it went about as badly as the first.

I approached a stunning girl in Starbuck's and complimented her on her style. She smiled, and was friendly, but I wasn't centered at all. My nervous system let me know by dumping adrenaline into my system. I can do the approach, but I gotta be more grounded.

I need to center myself, as part of my daily practice.

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On a different subject, I want to change my approach to money.

I wonder if you could think about money the way you think about style?

The most effective part of the style course was identifying my Archetype. I've coached a few people on the idea of Archetypes around style, and it has changed their approach to shopping, almost over-night.

There might be abstract ways to think about money that would make it easier to manage.

As you know I'm Rugged. I have an addiction to the edge.

The oilfields and that kind of work are very attractive, for that reason.

I don't know how to make all of this work, but I think that there is a way to think about money that is in alignment with those aspects of myself.

The way I think about it now puts my savings account on a roller coaster. If I try to force myself to make life safer by saving money, I inevitably sabotage myself.

So, instead of thinking about it as a buffer to experiencing life, start thinking of it as a lifeline. If I have a lifeline, I can dive into some crazy chaos with more confidence, than if I don't have it.

Other than saving, I'm not sure how to act on this idea. But it feels more authentic than trying to make life safer.

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Finally, there is a practice that might help me.

In "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura, he suggests connecting with your shadow by writing down every hateful, angry, violent thought you might have.

There are aspects of your mind that can be very useful, or destructive depending on how you manage them. If I need to stop being passive-aggressive, be more confident with women, and start living with more risk, I may need to engage in the "socially unacceptable" parts of myself.

I want to use my aggression to get what I want, but I can't just let it lose. I need to engage with it and give it the respect it deserves. I need to give it a healthy outlet.

Notes on Being Direct, April 8th

Notes on Being Direct:

I changed my focus from noticing passive aggression, to being direct.

Last night I went out with the new intention.

I have trouble staying out of my head, so I practiced grounding and relaxation techniques, as I walked to the bar.

The first approach was a group of bar hopping college students. They engaged but they were too high strung to hold still for long. They were warm and friendly and loved the attention.

The good:
1. I engaged as soon as they go near.
2. I was able to get their attention enough to get some friendly feedback.
3. No discomfort, for me or them.

To work on:
1. I could have projected stronger energy/been louder. My energy is naturally subdued, and the energy in a bar is hard to beat. I can project more, but I have to be conscious of it.
2. Tried too hard to get them to engage. It was like nailing jello to a wall. I want to relax my sense of control.

The second approach:

A girl with a group sat next to me. I tried to strike up a conversation, but her tone of voice was condescending and bitchy. It lasted less than 3 seconds.

It knocked my energy back. I felt bad for a bit. But I was able to let it go. My brother once told me to consider that its the other person, not me. That helped.

The good:

1. Engaged immediately.
2. Rolled with the rudeness, and recovered fast.

To work on:

1. Engaged without being aware. I may have been able to get a better response if I were more aware of the vibe she was carrying around.
2. Didn't think about whether I really wanted to talk to her. If I had waited for 2 seconds, I would have stayed silent.

The third approach:

I was about to go head to bed when I walked by an old bar I like to visit. I almost passed by. But it seemed pretty quiet, so I dropped in. I didn't have much of a plan.

I scoped the place out and sat near a promising table.

After a few minutes, one of the guys made eye contact and I instantly engaged.

Turns out they were all celebrating a win for the group. I got in and we all started to swap stories.

The first guy and his female friend were really open and warm. I worked hard to stay calm and present, especially with his friend.

She engaged and started to give off attraction signals. I think her friend noticed, and created a bit of a physical barrier. She had a boyfriend, but he clearly liked her, and I think he wanted to make sure I didn't get too close. It was nothing hostile, but he didn't like how much she seemed to like me.

Turns out she was a stripper, which I did not expect. She didn't look like one, but as the night went on I got the strong sense that she was not a happy person. The victim mindset was like a cloud around her.

There was another girl in the group who seemed to like me and want my attention. But her side of the table was monopolizing her attention.

We left the bar and continued to hang out. But once we got out of the bar the energy took a dive. I could sense a lot of discomfort that wasn't apparent in the bar. Not everybody liked everybody else, and the victim-girl I was talking to had a bad attitude.

We spent a little more time together, but things didn't improve. Victim-girl was very clearly attracted to me, and let me know in no uncertain terms. But the energy was just too negative, and I was stranger.

We parted ways and I went home.

The good:
1. I can engage and make friends really fast.
2. I stayed relaxed, and had a lot of fun playing with the attraction I was getting.
3. I was able to flow with the energy and move from serious conversation to having fun, all with the same group.

To work on:
1. I overstayed my welcome. They liked me, but I should have bailed on a high point, rather than let myself get tangled up in the negativity. There were hints, I think, that I didn't notice until later, that hinted at what was going on.
2. I should have taken the hint from the first guy and eased off the attention I was giving his friend. He liked me but his body language was very clear. He wanted me to know that she was his, even though they were friends. It was a strong physical barrier.
3. I should have made friends with everyone first, before focusing on one person. I have intense focus by default. It's useful, but it doesn't need to come out from the word go.