Notes on Being Direct, April 8th

Notes on Being Direct:

I changed my focus from noticing passive aggression, to being direct.

Last night I went out with the new intention.

I have trouble staying out of my head, so I practiced grounding and relaxation techniques, as I walked to the bar.

The first approach was a group of bar hopping college students. They engaged but they were too high strung to hold still for long. They were warm and friendly and loved the attention.

The good:
1. I engaged as soon as they go near.
2. I was able to get their attention enough to get some friendly feedback.
3. No discomfort, for me or them.

To work on:
1. I could have projected stronger energy/been louder. My energy is naturally subdued, and the energy in a bar is hard to beat. I can project more, but I have to be conscious of it.
2. Tried too hard to get them to engage. It was like nailing jello to a wall. I want to relax my sense of control.

The second approach:

A girl with a group sat next to me. I tried to strike up a conversation, but her tone of voice was condescending and bitchy. It lasted less than 3 seconds.

It knocked my energy back. I felt bad for a bit. But I was able to let it go. My brother once told me to consider that its the other person, not me. That helped.

The good:

1. Engaged immediately.
2. Rolled with the rudeness, and recovered fast.

To work on:

1. Engaged without being aware. I may have been able to get a better response if I were more aware of the vibe she was carrying around.
2. Didn't think about whether I really wanted to talk to her. If I had waited for 2 seconds, I would have stayed silent.

The third approach:

I was about to go head to bed when I walked by an old bar I like to visit. I almost passed by. But it seemed pretty quiet, so I dropped in. I didn't have much of a plan.

I scoped the place out and sat near a promising table.

After a few minutes, one of the guys made eye contact and I instantly engaged.

Turns out they were all celebrating a win for the group. I got in and we all started to swap stories.

The first guy and his female friend were really open and warm. I worked hard to stay calm and present, especially with his friend.

She engaged and started to give off attraction signals. I think her friend noticed, and created a bit of a physical barrier. She had a boyfriend, but he clearly liked her, and I think he wanted to make sure I didn't get too close. It was nothing hostile, but he didn't like how much she seemed to like me.

Turns out she was a stripper, which I did not expect. She didn't look like one, but as the night went on I got the strong sense that she was not a happy person. The victim mindset was like a cloud around her.

There was another girl in the group who seemed to like me and want my attention. But her side of the table was monopolizing her attention.

We left the bar and continued to hang out. But once we got out of the bar the energy took a dive. I could sense a lot of discomfort that wasn't apparent in the bar. Not everybody liked everybody else, and the victim-girl I was talking to had a bad attitude.

We spent a little more time together, but things didn't improve. Victim-girl was very clearly attracted to me, and let me know in no uncertain terms. But the energy was just too negative, and I was stranger.

We parted ways and I went home.

The good:
1. I can engage and make friends really fast.
2. I stayed relaxed, and had a lot of fun playing with the attraction I was getting.
3. I was able to flow with the energy and move from serious conversation to having fun, all with the same group.

To work on:
1. I overstayed my welcome. They liked me, but I should have bailed on a high point, rather than let myself get tangled up in the negativity. There were hints, I think, that I didn't notice until later, that hinted at what was going on.
2. I should have taken the hint from the first guy and eased off the attention I was giving his friend. He liked me but his body language was very clear. He wanted me to know that she was his, even though they were friends. It was a strong physical barrier.
3. I should have made friends with everyone first, before focusing on one person. I have intense focus by default. It's useful, but it doesn't need to come out from the word go.